I'm a father, three kids, two grandkids, and right now I'm on my last
teenager, a boy, thirteen going on thirty. My wife and I have raised
two girls, one is out on her own now, a husband and two beautiful
daughters, the other is still home but about to go off to college.
My
son is already starting to date, already starting to ask the tough
questions. He has been told by myself and my wife that he is much too
young to be dating. He's always had to learn things the hard way so I'm
not at all surprised by the fact that he isn't taking our advice. In
fact I knew he was going to be one of the hardest, if not the hardest,
to get through to.
There is one thing I did learn from going
through this twice before though, listening and not talking is easier
than actually trying to give the advice. I used to think I had to have
the answers when my kids got out of line or had a problem, I used to
think I had to inject my two cents worth, but I was wrong. I've learned
that my kids didn't want the lecture or for me to come up with the
answer, all they wanted was someone to listen.
It took more than a
few years for me to come to this conclusion, and it wasn't something I
accepted easily, I'm the type of person who likes to inject my two cents
worth, especially when it comes to my kids. It was my son who finally
made me see the light so to speak, and he impressed me with the question
he asked, unfortunately at the time it wasn't a question I had wanted
to hear or answer, so after a few hours of yelling, asking why, and
blaming, my son and I finally sat down and he talked, I listened, when
we were done I told him I didn't have the answer. He told me it was ok,
he didn't need the answer, he just wanted me to listen.
Now I'm
not a guy who learns things easily, and to say I changed overnight would
be a lie, but I have thought about that conversation several times
since, and I did learn from it, even grew from it, now, well I guess I'm
trying to understand it. Several times in my life I've grounded my
kids, yelled at them, even thought about going toe to toe with them. Now
I'm trying to understand and come to terms with how I might have been
wrong all those years, understand where I could have done better. The
past is so easy to pick apart, so hard to forget, but learning from it
may just allow me to make better decisions.
And I have learned,
and do honestly believe that the best way to actually get my son to talk
to me is to just listen, as hard as it is, I try not to judge, or tell
him how he's screwed up, I try not to tell him how to fix it until he
asks, and it's working. He's talking to me, about everything, most of it
I almost wish he wouldn't talk to me about, but at 13 he thinks of me
as someone he can talk to, and no matter how this all plays out in the
end, I'm glad to have this time. I'm not the enemy anymore.
For
anyone reading this and looking for answers about teenagers, I really do
wish you luck. What worked for me may never work for you, but if you're
reading to find answers then you're actively trying to become a better
parent, and I applaud your efforts. Don't give up, they're worth
fighting for, and if you can help them make sense of these years you may
just become their hero again.
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